You Say Selfish I Say Hopeless

YOU SAY SELFISH, I SAY HOPELESS

Robin Williams’ life brought us laughter. His death now brings awareness. Awareness that we never know what is going on inside of another person. His suicide will undoubtedly bring many bloggers to their keyboards to share their opinions on the subjects of depression, suicide, addiction, mental illness, etc. I hate to be one of them, but I haven't written a blog for months. I've been a bit depressed. Today I feel like writing, because I am writing about what I know.

I've heard people say many things about depression, like 'She just needs to snap out of it', or 'He's just using depression as an excuse'. I've heard people say that depression is selfish, that people suffering from depression focus only on themselves and that suicide is the ultimate act of selfishness. How could anyone put their family through that, knowing they will be devastated, knowing they will blame themselves?

Depression isn't selfishness. It's guilt on a 24/7 basis; guilt from believing you have let everybody you love down, that you should be doing more, that you failed again. It’s wishing you were a better daughter, husband, sister, employee, Christian, citizen, child, actor, comedian, etc. etc. etc. When you are depressed, everything is your fault. If you were truly selfish, you wouldn't care if it was your fault or not.

But when you are depressed you feel selfish for finally turning inward so much that you can't reach out. Yet, many people suffering from depression do reach out. They are the ones who encourage others, who make them laugh, who say don't give up, while they themselves are discouraged and crying and losing hope on the inside. Sometimes people never even knew their loved one was that depressed until it was too late. The one suffering from depression doesn't always tell you because they don't want you to bear that burden. Or, they know it hurts you to see them depressed, so they pretend they’re not for your sake. That's exhausting. It's easier to just keep it inside and let you think they are lazy or unmotivated when they can barely get out of bed each day. It's easier to make a joke, fake an illness or pretend they are just taking a personal day. Sometimes a depressed person keeps themselves so busy that they can't feel anymore, or so that others can't see how much they hurt inside. Is that being selfish?

How can a successful, rich, well-loved person feel like they have nothing to live for? We can blame it on their addictions, but why do people become addicted in the first place? Many times the addiction is self-medication to deal with the depression. So what does a man like Robin Williams, who most people believe had everything to live for, and say, a homeless drug addict with no friends at all have in common that would cause them each to choose not to go on anymore? Is the answer simply depression?

Depression has many levels; Physical, emotional, spiritual, mental. It affects every fiber of a person's being. Sometimes it can be addressed with medication and therapy. Sometimes it's under the surface, kept at bay, and sometimes it is so heavy that getting out of bed is impossible. Most of the time, it is somewhere in-between. Most people suffering from depression are functional. Some don't even know they have depression. They just feel guilty for their lack of energy or for feeling so sad all the time. They feel like a failure so they try harder to look successful on the outside.

I know what it's like to be depressed and what it feels like not to be depressed anymore. It's like not realizing your eyesight is bad until you put on new glasses and see how bright the colors actually are and how clear the words on the signs are. When you're depressed you don't know the colors have faded and you keep trying harder to read the signs, not realizing there is a physical reason why you have lost direction. Depression is all about trying, trying, trying until you just can't try anymore.

Not everyone who suffers from depression is suicidal. Understanding depression helps. Knowing what it is and what it isn't helps. Knowing that just because you feel sad doesn't mean you believe the world is a sad place. Just because you feel like a failure doesn't mean you really are. Just because you feel ashamed, anxious, responsible, lazy, stupid, crazy, or worthless doesn't mean that it is true. It's the weight of the depression that makes you feel that way, but it doesn't mean you have to believe that way. Depression tends to be one big cloud that covers everything, making everything seem hopeless. Antidepressants and/or therapy can ease those feelings, or at least separate them out so you can look logically at each situation. But it's a constant battle to rise above it, even when you have it under control.

They say a depressed person should talk to somebody. Don't suffer alone. This is very good advice, but if you are going to volunteer yourself to listen to someone who is truly depressed, you need to do just that. Listen. Don't throw out pat answers like, 'You have so much going for you', 'You shouldn't feel that way' or ‘It will all get better soon.’ Depression isn't a feeling. You can't feel better just by thinking better, at least not for long.

You say you want to be there for your friend, family member, coworker or even a stranger who struggles with depression. Here is some advice, from someone who deals with depression daily, even when no one else may realize it. Depression sucks, but you can live with it, as long as you don’t lose hope. That is what a successful person who commits suicide has in common with someone we may consider less successful who commits suicide. They both lost hope. Without hope, there is no vision for the future. Without hope, there are no more plans to make up for the guilt and failure. Without hope there is no end to the sadness that permeates the very essence of their being. It doesn't matter if you are rich or poor, surrounded by loved ones or alone. No hope is no hope.

So, why don't I talk about my depression to others?

• One, because most of the time I am functioning and I don't think someone would understand if I told them I wished I could curl up in the corner and sleep until the sadness disappears. Admitting depression is embarrassing.
• Two, if I said I felt sad or hopeless I think someone would start telling me all the good things in my life I should be thankful for, like they don't believe I already am.
• Three, that someone will tell me how good I have it compared to their own situation, or their friend's problem or the starving children in Africa. I KNOW people suffer. I feel sad all the time because I know other people suffer. I feel guilty when I feel sorry for myself because I know other people suffer more than me.
• Four, that someone will tell me I just need to buck up, think positive, take a walk, read my bible, volunteer at a soup kitchen, journal my thoughts, etc. etc. All these things are true, but if you have never been depressed you don't realize that to do any of these things means to do them with cement shoes on, both physically and emotionally.
• Five, that someone will think that just because I have suicidal thoughts that I am planning to commit suicide and overreact.
• Six, that someone will tell me I am being selfish to even think such a thing. How would my family feel? How would my friends feel? Do they really believe I don't think about that every time a suicidal thought comes to my head?
• Seven, that someone will tell me that I have been set free in Jesus and I shouldn't feel this way. I just need to believe more, have more faith, get saved, get delivered . . . So, what, I failed at God, too?

If you want to help someone who suffers from depression, then listen and don't judge, walk beside and don't just point the way, and hear the things that aren't said. Sometimes we try to show others how bad we hurt without actually saying it. And then if you ask, we deny. So, ask again. You may succeed, you may not. Some people will still choose to end the pain. But, they don't choose lightly, and they don't do it to hurt you.

Suicide is sadness so deep you can't take another breath. Suicide is guilt so vast that you feel responsible for everything and everyone. Suicide is believing that those you love would be better off without you, even though you know it will hurt them. Suicide is being hopeless, no longer believing that you are worth it, that you deserve it, that you can climb out of the hole you are in yet once again. Suicide is shame, because you know you let everybody else down, too, not just yourself.

So, let's look back on my list of why I don't talk to you when I'm depressed and see how maybe we can respond differently to others who may feel the same way.

1. Because I'm Functioning: Even if I look like I have it all together, don't brush it aside if I say I'm sad, tired, whatever. Don't say I'm the most together person you know. Let me admit I'm not perfect. Ask me if there is anything you can do to help. I will probably say no, but I will appreciate that you let me be honest. And, I will feel a little bit better knowing that someone else knows how I'm feeling.
2. Because I’m AM grateful: Don't assume I'm not thankful for all I've been blessed with, that I'm just feeling sorry for myself. Don't make me feel even guiltier for the way I'm feeling. Maybe say you know I am a positive person, and that you know I appreciate all that I have. Maybe suggest we make a list together about the things we are most thankful for and focus on them together. Remind me of the good things, don't just tell me I need to be more grateful.
3. Because I know I’m not the only one with problems: If I open up to you, don't bring up your own problems, at least right away. Allow me to talk about my feelings without feeling guilty about them or believing they are insignificant. I know the world sucks for a lot of people. I wish I could make them all feel better. Chances are, when you've allowed me to say I'm sad, confused, hopeless, or just plain depressed, I'm probably going to ask you about yourself and try to make you feel better anyway!
4. Because I know I need to do something: I already know I need to take better care of myself in order to feel better; exercise, eat right, reach out, be creative . . . But, depression is a cycle. To feel better you need to do something, but you are too depressed to take the first step. You don't believe it will do any good even if you did. So, maybe ask to take a walk with me, maybe go to the soup kitchen with me to volunteer, maybe read a bible chapter with me. Don't just tell me what I need to do. I already know. I just can't right now, at least not on my own.
5. Because suicidal thoughts come with depression: When you suffer from depression you have thoughts of suicide. It doesn't mean you plan to do it. But, if I don't feel I can acknowledge those thoughts when I am not suicidal, how can I acknowledge them if I am actually contemplating it? Maybe if I can say the words out loud it will reinforce that I don't really want to do it. Or, maybe I will realize I am actually in the danger zone and ask for help. But, don't overreact if I just need to admit I have those kinds of thoughts.
6. Because I can’t handle you calling me selfish: Suicide is not selfish. I bet most people who committed suicide thought about the ones they were hurting right up until their final breath. I will tell you what selfishness is. Selfishness is people who step on other people to get ahead. Selfishness is people who lie about other people and ruin their reputations. Selfishness is people who cheat on other people to get what they want. Selfishness is people who say hurtful things in anger, who suck the dreams out of people they say they love, who take what they want no matter who they hurt, and who measure success only by money and position. And, yet, we allow those people to get away with it and say it's just the way they are. Then, when a sad, hopeless person ends their own suffering, we say they were so selfish. Don't ever say the word selfish to a depressed person. That just reinforces all the bad feelings they already have.
7. Because I already question my faith: Do you look at a person who is physically ill and question their faith the way you do someone who is depressed? I've seen people rally around the sick and pray with them and stand in faith with them. If they die anyway, they say God brought them home. But, when a person is discouraged or depressed, we tell them they need to believe more and be thankful more and think positive more, end of story. What if instead, we said we are going to believe with them for their healing from depression? Depression is not emotional, it's physical. Why would you condemn me for feeling hopeless when it has a physical root, but you wouldn't condemn me for feeling hopeless if I looked like I was ill? Don't make me feel like my faith is lacking, I already feel that way. To be condemned by God is the ultimate failure. It won't take much to push me over that edge if I'm severely depressed already.

Everyone handles depression differently. There are those who can no longer function in the real world, whose lives have become the depression. How sad. (Sometimes I wish I could just go to that place for awhile and rest, but I can't.) Some people are a danger to themselves or others and have to be treated differently. But, this is about those who suffer silently, who only share what they are going through when they feel safe from condemnation, judgment, over reaction, or, worse yet, lack of reaction. It's a fine line. We want help, but we don't want help. We want you to know, but we don't want you to know. We want rescued, but we don't want to admit we can't handle it ourselves.

Suicide is not selfishness, it's hopelessness. If you know somebody who committed suicide, don't ever believe that they didn't love you. They did. Don't believe they didn't know God. They probably talked to him and told him how sorry they were right up to their very last thought. Don't believe they were selfish, that they didn't care how much they hurt you. They knew. If they were selfish they wouldn't have waited as long as they did. But, when the hurt became so bad, and all hope was gone, and they believed you were better off without them, they finally made the choice to do what they believed was the only thing they could do. It wasn't your fault. You may have done everything right, but you couldn't make them have hope.

The only answer is Hope. When we have hope, we have vision. When we don't have hope, we can't see a future, we can't see a solution. Without a vision, the people perish. A person without hope doesn't want to hear that life will be perfect, or that everything will turn out for the best. But they do need to know that it is worth taking one more breath, then one more step, then one more leap, then one more climb, then one more journey, and then one more shot at the prize, until they find themselves living their lives again. They need to know it matters that they are in the world, that they make a difference. But, sometimes, the weight of what they've done, the hopelessness of their situation, is just too much to bear, no matter how much you love them.

Do I believe suicide is okay? Of course not. There is always hope. Suicide is never the answer. But, you know what? Murder is never the answer either, and yet we forgive murders. We say they acted in the heat of the moment and they now regret their decision. Adultery is never the answer, and yet we forgive the adulterer. We say they were tempted, but now they regret their decision. Theft is never the answer, and yet we forgive the thief. We say they were desperate and now they regret their decision. Why can't we forgive the one who takes their own life? Why can't we acknowledge they were overwhelmed and probably regret their decision, too? They just don't get the chance to tell us. People die of cancer all the time, and sometimes people die of depression. It's hard to understand, impossible to accept, but it is the truth. They didn't love you any less than the one who died of 'natural causes' did.

How can we give hope to the hopeless, even when it seems like they already have everything? How can we give hope to the hopeless when it seems like they don't have anything left to grab hold of? The truth is, we can't. Hope comes from God. We have Hope only because of God's unfailing, immeasurable, unconditional abiding Love for us. These three remain; Faith, Hope and Love. And the greatest of these is Love. If we live our faith, share our hope, and walk in His love, we have a chance to reach out and pull someone back. If we force our faith, hide our hope, and conditionalize His love, we don't.

In ourselves, we don't have all the right answers for someone who is depressed. We can only pray our lives point to the only One who gives Hope. Never underestimate God's Amazing Grace! He gives hope to the hopeless. When the hopeless grab hold of Hope again, they start to believe again, and they start to see a vision of the future again, because Faith is the substance of things Hoped for. And, it all begins with Love.

Unless you sit inside that person's shoes, feel that person's pain, know that person's udder lack of hope, you don't know anything. Suicide isn't being selfish. It's being hopeless. But, remember, even the tiniest spark of hope completely nullifies the word hopeless!!

Everybody has an opinion, everybody has a commentary. This just happens to be mine.